Today is Brought to You by the Letters P & C

Nuff Said

See You Again

I can't really write about it right now.  My heart is breaking for her family, her kids, my son.  I'm gonna miss her so much.  In memory of Brittany, I wrote this:

We All Have Our Losses

We all have our losses.

We grieve for them

Cry for them

They haunt us like fog sits over the meadow

Hanging over our soul just out of reach

But close enough to smell and feel

searing into our hearts the wretched pain

leaving it’s smoking brand buried into the flesh.

A constant reminder of past lapses in judgment

embedded in our skin screaming to us to remember.

I’ve seen the waves of grief in eyes.  Smelled

the stench of agony in the air.  Felt the sting

and aches of pain in a heart.

Losses, we all have them yet

If on a different plane we take ourselves there

It can find you above it.

The clearness. The fog shifts.

The blurry visions we came to know as reality

Are now gone.  The damage was done.

But now.  Peering across gentle waves

the limpid air has a pure fragrance.

Then we see.  We know.

We haven’t lost them

but found ourselves

Pushing Through

I used to love the holidays. Shopping for the just the right gift for those I loved...looking at lights and having holiday gatherings....I used to love the holidays... When tragedy and loss wasn't such a part of my life. As I grow older, tragedy and loss seems to have engulfed my life and soul so much that when I see the twinkling lights and sweet songs on the radio, I cringe and grit my teeth.  I was finally making my way through that muddled thought process this year with  being very anxious that I was finally in a position to do something for those less fortunate....when the plush flying rug under me was yanked and left me in a free-falling stage that I'm still reeling from.
I keep reaching out to the rotten air I smell to grab onto something stable that will hold me up...that will catch me and stop this rollercoasting mind and brain. But all I do is feel nothing. I see nothing. Nothing but grey mists and musty air. That is until the recent shooting occurred. 

I'm sitting waiting this morning on my dear two sweet sisters who are driving up to SA to help me finish pack up my things and put them into storage.  It's not a happy day to me...and it's just as dreary and grey outside as I am inside. But I'm going to try and just be this gypsy and see where it takes me down my road of adventure. I used to  be one of adventure and not caring about where I was headed....but after turning 50, I'd like alittle stability in my life and was hoping San Antonio was going to bring that.  BUT maybe this is going to force that gypsy hidden down inside to pop back up to show me life's true meaning....the unconditional love of friends and family.  I've had so many offer their homes to me....so it's ironic that my first job interview was with a Homeless Shelter....I almost asked if the position included room and board since the salary was not going to be enough for me to rent my own place. 

I've not been here in a year....the death of my mother left me quite devastated and drained and hopeless....but today, I realize that I have nothing but time on my hands which I need to stir up my creative juices and writing again.  That is one thing that helped me though so much.  So I know I lost alot of my readers and hopefully they'll return. 

The thing is...home is wherever I am....and I am going to be wherever love is. 

2010 & 2011 can Kiss My Grits

I took this picture with my dumb phone while at the beach with a high school group of friends this summer...a few days before finding out my Mom had cancer. It was a relaxing weekend and being at the beach I constantly thought of my Mom as it was something she loved.  The beach can be so calming listening to the waves roll in one after the other...the clean salt smell reminds me of learning how to float in the ocean with her.   I've saved the photo as the background on my phone and laptop and think of her words when we would seem sad about her disease..."We're going to take it One Day At a Time".  Lately, that's what I've been having to do.  So many other things going on in my private life that not everyone is aware of and I'd like to keep it that way for now but taking it one day at a time is all I can do.  I miss my Mama very much and dreading the upcoming holidays. For the last year (and that includes the end of 2010), it's been a wash. I usually try and can find the good things in bad....but this time, I just can't.  Yes, I'm alive. I have some people in my life who are supportive of me.  I enjoy helping the inmates I work with. I enjoy volunteering with GENAustin.  But for the record, I'd like to just go on to New Years Day 2012 so I can tell 2011 and this past year goodbye and good riddance. 

Lone Star State of Mine

Lone Star Beer
Lone Star Boys
Lone Star Baseball
Lone Star Beckett
Lone Star in Boston
I love my state. I love Boston. I love baseball.

I'm happy for Wake and his 200 but today....this made me smile more.

Not Just Any Woman

A woman passed on today but she won't be forgotten because she's not just any woman. Every time I hear a loud whistle, see a ocean wave, hear someone sing to the top of their lungs, see a purple outfit, eat a bowl of Bluebell, watch a baby laugh, and smell a good pot of gumbo I will think of her. Of course those aren't the only times...she blessed me with so much love and compassion for others that it's not a surprise what career I chose. And as much time and energy as she spent on trying to keep me in Orange...it's funny to know she still did her last ditch effort at bringing me back. You see, I had left for Austin to return to work...only to receive a phone call on the other side of Houston that I needed to return as she had gotten much worse....few minutes later another phone call and she was gone....so here I am back in Orange, Mom. Missing you.

Love in Action

My dear sweet mother is dying right before our eyes.  Since getting the news, it's been a roller coaster of emotions.  You go through denial and anger then denial again then anger once again then frustration...but with her health going downhill rapidly this past week while I was in Austin, I wasn't able to talk more to her.  In a matter of weeks, she's declined in her health but since last Sunday...no words can describe how hard this is to see.  A woman who loves so hard with her heart to be stricken with something so heartless.  I'm trying to make sense of this all as it was not caught in the early stages so we're losing her quickly and I'm not quite ready for her to go.  She has taught me more about loving than anyone I know.  Her heart is as big as Texas...maybe even bigger.  Alot of people talk about being a Christian and living godly but I've always said "Actions speak louder than words"  as well as "Talk is cheap".   My mother didn't have to preach it....she acted on it.  She taught me to reach out and help others, to give everyone the benefit of doubt, and that everyone deserved a second or third or fourth chance.  I believe I chose my career path because of the values that my mother instilled in me.  I know she's proud of me....she told me many times especially this past year.  Before I left for Austin last Sunday as I was telling her goodbye, she reached out for my hand and said "I want to pray for you"  My mom prayed for things to go well on my new job and that it would be good for me.  I'm going to miss her