Thursday, December 27, 2012

Pushing Through

I used to love the holidays. Shopping for the just the right gift for those I loved...looking at lights and having holiday gatherings....I used to love the holidays... When tragedy and loss wasn't such a part of my life. As I grow older, tragedy and loss seems to have engulfed my life and soul so much that when I see the twinkling lights and sweet songs on the radio, I cringe and grit my teeth.  I was finally making my way through that muddled thought process this year with  being very anxious that I was finally in a position to do something for those less fortunate....when the plush flying rug under me was yanked and left me in a free-falling stage that I'm still reeling from.
I keep reaching out to the rotten air I smell to grab onto something stable that will hold me up...that will catch me and stop this rollercoasting mind and brain. But all I do is feel nothing. I see nothing. Nothing but grey mists and musty air. That is until the recent shooting occurred. 

I'm sitting waiting this morning on my dear two sweet sisters who are driving up to SA to help me finish pack up my things and put them into storage.  It's not a happy day to me...and it's just as dreary and grey outside as I am inside. But I'm going to try and just be this gypsy and see where it takes me down my road of adventure. I used to  be one of adventure and not caring about where I was headed....but after turning 50, I'd like alittle stability in my life and was hoping San Antonio was going to bring that.  BUT maybe this is going to force that gypsy hidden down inside to pop back up to show me life's true meaning....the unconditional love of friends and family.  I've had so many offer their homes to it's ironic that my first job interview was with a Homeless Shelter....I almost asked if the position included room and board since the salary was not going to be enough for me to rent my own place. 

I've not been here in a year....the death of my mother left me quite devastated and drained and hopeless....but today, I realize that I have nothing but time on my hands which I need to stir up my creative juices and writing again.  That is one thing that helped me though so much.  So I know I lost alot of my readers and hopefully they'll return. 

The thing is...home is wherever I am....and I am going to be wherever love is.