I Choose My Life

"If you choose to be a part of my life, you can follow, lead or walk beside me BUT you cannot Just Watch!"

This is something I wrote in a makeshift diary on my trip to NYC in November of 2001. I had purchased a airline ticket to go see my cousin in Pennsylvania where we had planned a weekend trip to New York! I bought the ticket on 9-10-01. After "it" happened....we talked at length discussing pros and cons about the trip. After much debating and struggled decision-making, I decided to go anyway but my trip would take a turn in the reason. I was a mentor for a local boys and girls club so we made signs and cards and I brought alot of local flavors for a specific firestation that lost 17 men. This blog today is not about my visit really...it's about how the visit affected my life.

I was living with my boyfriend at the time....almost 4 years together, 3 years living with him. You see, he wasn't and isn't a bad person at all. He probably was the one man at that time I could fully trust. He was stable and calm which I needed at a time after a much crazy ex-husband. I enjoyed living out in the country on 168 acres of beautiful land....I thrived there. I sought solace there and wrote alot of new poetry. What was wrong with this situation was He just kept saying he wasn't ready to talk marriage. So I would drop it...

This trip caused me to realize that I was living in a stagnant situation. I needed to move forward....to something more....and if he wasn't ready.....then I would move forward without him. Sitting on the plane ride home...I begin to write...and this is my diary of that ride...NO ONE has ever seen this.
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With all that has happened, I can't help but want to plan my life with the one I love...yet he still holds back...waiting to feel comfortable?? with getting married....like he is waiting for someone to hand him a pillow and a blanket. He is so comfortable with his life right now, me living there "acting" as a wife, to finalize the step would unbalance him. But he says he is "thinking" of marrying me now. Another wrong choice I have made or should I say decision? Recognizing this, I just need to make it right. Moving home but not breaking up will be hard for me but it is harder for me to stay emotionally because the more I give of myself--the more I am invested in a future. I don't feel I belong anymore, therefore I will try to sit and explain this to him. It is highly doubtful he will understand or just act like it doesn't bother him. I need to be loved, fully and wholly by him, care for, respected and honored--I can only think of two men who gave me that in my past that I let get away. As usual I stuck with "the bad" ones who hurt me greatly but I let them.
Today I choose Life...I choose Joy, Respect, Love, Fellowship, Companionship, Communication, Camradie, I Choose My LIFE! If you choose to be a part of my life, you can follow, lead or walk beside me...but you cannot Just Watch!
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The night I explained my situation to him was a sad night....he really just didn't get it and did nothing to keep me from going. Once I moved to Austin...he found out and determined to come see me...I let him. My friends all wondered if he was coming "for me"....they asked "what if he asks you to marry him?" I said "if he brings a ring...I'll know he's serious". Well he came to Austin and said we could get married....and he'd move here....but he had no ring. I had to sadly explained to him that it was too little too late....

I'll leave this blog with a poem I wrote shortly after moving to Austin which sums all this up:

When All The While

When all the while
she was inside,
analyzing, staring at
those around
with children
and without.
Seeing singles file in
twos out the doors
of bars.
Smiles with no faces
Eyes with no vision
listening, choosing
Not to hear.
Searching for a heart,
a lost soul to fit
next to hers,
mesh with hers.
Searching for another
half to make her whole,
When all the while,
She was inside.